I simply want to write

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A moment of gratitude….

Over the past few days I have been diligently making decisions, researching the best sites and options to figure out how to best get Screaming Gratitude off the ground.  I have a vision and at the end of the past few days I have come up frustrated.  I know better to react when feelings such as these arise.  I know to go to my breath and soften around whatever it is that is causing the frustrations.

I sought out advice from a few fellow bloggers and put together my thoughts in a more clear way to better allow others to see my vision.  In other words I talked myself out of the frustration, weepy, defeat that I was feeling and rose to the occasion and asked, ‘What can I do for me right now to provide space, to loosen the grip?”  Most days I am my own best therapist and I surprise myself, but gaining perspective is hard and never comes easy.  After all the fretting and clearing this morning I realized another culprit of the anxiety that was resting in my chest…..my writing.  Over the course of the few days, excited to send out my vision, my aspirations, I have not given myself space to simply write.  As this new day arrives and the sunshine rolls in I find pause and time to write.

Here I am. Finally settled, such is the snow globe of LIFE, always a’shakin’.  Settling in at my desk, windows open, sunshine casting down on the earth, listening to the soft sounds of my new Sara Bareilles playlist and there is only me and the keyboard.  Upon awaking this morning I was restless and weepy.  Resistance was present, defeat and disappointments from my lack of ambition yesterday.  I did not sleep well, my monkey mind was running marathons through my brain all night. Imagine thousands of different scenarios and recalls from the past, how can anyone get sleep when this is happening?  I pushed on and got dressed.  Laced up my sneakers and headed out the door before the sun had even risen.  Agitated I cruised down the highway wincing at the pink and orange clouds that lit up the horizon meeting the first edges of light of sun.  I had not seen the sun yet, I had seen its rays but our eyes had not met.  I drove along the highway, tried to listen to some talk radio but bombarded with news of politics and war.  I checked my reflection in the mirror, ‘do I look okay? do I look sad? why do I feel so weepy?’  As I approached the exit entering the city I could see the trees perking up to meet the sun, I was almost there, our eyes would meet soon.  My attention wandered and returned to the weepy, resistance as I warmed my fingers in the car heater.  Temperature says 65, cool and clear, looks like it’s going to be a beautiful day.  I clear the tolls and rise atop of the hill and suddenly my breath is taken away, there she is, Mother Sun.  I cannot explain the feeling, the comfort, the security I feel was I close my eyes and feel the sun upon my face, it is pure bliss.  I drive right into the sunshine now as I near my destination.  I feel some space in my chest and my breath slow.  I notice my shoulders sink and a smile come across my face.  All is okay when the sun is shining.

After my morning workout I see the sky is flooded with light.  Crisp, clear, blue sky covers the ceiling and an even bigger smile comes across my face.  ‘Where has the weepy, defeated, restless girl gone?’  ‘All is temporary,’ I tell myself.  Aaaahh the gratitude has arrived.  I recall those feelings but my attention wants to travel elsewhere, my attention wants to settle back in my heart, here in this space.  I feel lighter, fuller, yet spacious and grateful.  I feel as though I can conquer anything, there is so much possibility, and I know I can.

I walk to my car, feel the smile across my face, chuckle as I recall my drive into the city.  All is temporary, one should never fear any sensations, because in a few moments all can change and possibilities can open up to you; especially when there is sunshine & gratitude involved.

 

enjoy this day

~screaming gratitude

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