Monday evening tea cup

Photo by Sarah Dufresne

Monday evening tea-cup

Ahh…. my fellow Screamers!  My Monday morning tea-cup morphed into Monday evening tea-cup today due to feeling a bit below the line, restless and filled with a monopolizing monkey mind.  I spent a great deal of yesterday resting and recouping, hoping to regain some sense and get-up-and-go! but it only resulted in a bit of a frantic monkey mind and a restless me.

Settling into a day to myself yesterday I was able to relax and catch up on much-needed idle time.  I spent some parts of the day laying in the grass in my backyard staring up at the brilliant blue sky.  I found time to ponder all the things I was not doing yesterday all the while splashing my toes in the water of the pool.  Watching the reflection of the sunlight and water on the pool floor is mesmerizing.  Although the day was gorgeous and filled with dreamy sunshine there was not much solace and quiet for me and my monkey mind.  Much of the afternoon, morning came and went, sibling rivalry and catching up on crosswords, much of the afternoon was spent idle physically but Indy 500-racetrack style of thoughts inside my head.  Much ado about self-doubt, regret, anxiety, embarrassment, loneliness, plain-ole self wallowing.  There were ‘waves’ as us yogi’s like to call it, and there were a few tsunami’s, but manageable, very much manageable.

Photo by Sarah Dufresne

view from the grass

Saturday night I spent some much-needed bonding time with close friends.  They cooked and I ate.  We shared in create conversations, questions about LIFE, our beliefs and all the in between.  One important part of the night we spent talking about regret.  I find it funny that the cycle of thoughts yesterday brought about the much regret that I don’t want to feel in my LIFE…..that of which I wasn’t even aware of.  I live LIFE pretty fully.  I let go. I surrender what I can and stay open to new experiences.  I allow time so my body can acclimate, arrive in the present moment and be present for each experience, but who’s kidding, it’s a balance; and my monkey mind showed me exactly this, that I am nowhere near perfect.

If I could explain stillness, or my version of stillness in a different way, I’d use the example of a stack of dishes.  Imagine a neatly stacked pile of dishes, florally patterns, mismatched but similar in size and stature.  Each day I am able to sit with the stillness there is this pile of dishes, neatly stacked and undisturbed.  Once in a while there is a twitch or two, but for the most part, stillness is present, quiet and everyone stays in their corners.  I trace the outline of the plates, one at a time in all they are, beautiful and peaceful.  Other days…….my monkey mind takes over and all the dishes are uneven, misplaced and toppling over.  Some of the dishes crash, fall and some manage to make their way out of the stack only to open a door of self-pity or resentment.  The monkey mind goes on a rampage, or I allow it to, and destroys the calm, quiet, stillness of my mind.  Doubt starts floating around, fear, anxiety and a bit more self-DOUBT!

It takes time to clean up the mess my monkey mind makes.  It takes time to sweep, move, restock and start anew all of the beautiful, quirky dishes.  Every moment of every day I have these skills and tools to help return my mind to stillness, calm and quiet.  It takes hard work to create and start anew often.  The monkey mind is a powerful thing.  The monkey mind is something I fuel and give power to.  I am not saying that if I were busy yesterday, that my mind would stay in order, that’s not it at all.  What I am saying is that busy or not, I have to remember that when my monkey mind gets out of control, it’s because I let it.  When my monkey mind goes on a rampage and indy-500, that is my doing.  Nothing can take my power unless I give it to them, same goes for thoughts and people.  In the end it is okay if my monkey mind makes a mess, it is all about my reaction to it.  My reaction fuels the monkey mind.

Photo by Sarah Dufresne

making waves…

My outlook for this week, eeeh this morning it was a bit bleak, I was still inside my head, but now its full of LIFE.  Now, this evening as I am preparing for my yoga class and finding some of that mess getting cleaned up simply by writing this post, I feel as though my perspective is lighten-ing up.  All is possible.  All is possible in my world tonight.  I know that I feel much more at ease, in my body, my mind, in this world, having cleared out some of the chatter in my mind.  LIFE is a balance, this I know for sure.  There is a give in take in awareness, in peace, in sanity really.

I look forward to getting on my mat this evening.

Looking forward to all the gifts this week holds

enjoy this day

~screaming gratitude


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