gate-gate: when I was examining vulnerability, last fall
I heard it before…….vulnerability. I knew what it meant, sort of, in a dictionary, Wikipedia sort of way. I understood the purpose, the meaning, not intimately inside my body, but I knew it enough to get by.
aaah. vulnerability, certainly a word in which the vibrations now resonate through my entire body in an intimate way.
Now when I think of vulnerability it shapes my own light in an entirely different way. After my yoga teacher training I began to examine parts of myself, the parts that I usually ignored or hid behind, to figure out how to become more connected to self. There were a few key words that stood out to me that caused me to feel unnerved in LIFE and digging around felt like the right thing to do. Vulnerability. Fear. Self-LOVE. I can remember reading an article or a quote that contained the word vulnerability and my whole body language shifted, it was obvious to me that there was work to be done and something hiding underneath it all. Something inside of me clicked and suddenly I decided that I wanted to examine all that encompassed vulnerability. I tried to search through my journal and find the exact moment, it was just like I say, a sudden click, when I was like, from this moment on I am moving towards vulnerability and everything that it entails. Boy was I hooked on digging around and uprooting everything solid I knew in LIFE.
Don’t get me wrong, I was terrified, and at the same time I really had no idea what I was getting myself into. Who was I to think that I could conquer vulnerability? Who was I to have enough courage to do this? I had no idea what lay on the other side, all I knew was that I wanted whatever that was in my body.
It was around October and November that I started to really examine what it meant to be vulnerable. I thought about all the ways in which it showed up in my LIFE before and how I reacted to it. Right off the bat, numerous experiences flooded my mind. Aha! I deemed myself the ‘vulnerability avoider!’ It was comical at first and then slowly I realized how often I was protecting myself from this experience. I would go out of my way to shield myself from feeling exposed. I was not a crier, or I was but no one saw me. I hid often when tears appeared, distracting myself to remove the emotions I was feeling. ‘What was wrong with me? Why was I crying?’ I used to get mad at myself when I cried, maybe you are one of those, angry criers. ha ha. Comical, kind of hilarious but also really sad that I never allowed myself to feel certain emotions. I was not one to confront people, I was outspoken, but there was rolling of my eyes and missed eye contact to keep people from seeing me. Everything I did in LIFE up until last fall was to avoid vulnerability, period.
Now, looking back I can see why I was constantly crying, I was learning who I was at the core of my being and experiencing LIFE. After my teacher training I felt more connected to myself and to what this whole experience of LIFE was all about. It was not until after that experience did I feel brave enough to start to dig through my past, my present and future to figure out just exactly what it was I was doing here on this planet at this moment.
Examining, or beginning to examine, vulnerability changed my LIFE completely. I will forever be a student to the experience but having made that commitment to myself last year has shifted my awareness of my own needs and my relationship to self so profoundly, that I could not imagine another way to live. If you are not allowing yourself to be vulnerable, you are unable to grow, unable to change, unable to TRANSFORM. Through learning about vulnerability and how I experience it I learned the most about my own heart. It wasn’t until shortly after my commitment to this endeavor did I begin to experience physical symptoms of the heart. LIFE really does provide you with all that you need. The wisdom IS stored inside your body and will rise to the surface at the perfect moment, you simply need to drop everything and pay attention!
Amidst this entire time of seeking, crying and exposing myself TO myself there came from the shadows this mantra.
translation is ‘go, go, go beyond, go thoroughly beyond, and establish yourself in enlightenment.’
‘Gate Gate Paragate Parasamgate http://youtu.be/baZjibPxPsY
here is the link for your inbox
enjoy this day
This is known as the heart sutra, of course it is, right?
Thich Nhat Hanh had his own translation that resonated with me, here is what he said,
“Through mindfulness we experience “Interbeing” which means everything is in everything else.
Therefore, one should know that Perfect Understanding is a great mantra, is the highest mantra, is the unequaled mantra, the destroyer of all suffering, the incorruptible truth.”-excerpt from Guru Padmam Blog
I found an excerpt from one of my journals that describes my experience so tenderly, I will share it with you
‘expansion. releasing. forgiveness. exploration. all gives notion that possibility is present everywhere. something more lies on the other side of this present moment. more. more than the wealth I have already experienced. my senses are in tune with the universe. my physical body trembles and feels my unsteady gait. my heart. my heart is embracing all that it receives. my heart knows no name, it simple remains open. i stay in tune with my thoughts and actions. feel and notice how all vibrations affect me. the opening of my soul. the reflections of love that surround me. all the while i am shedding. shedding the armor, the lies i have built up to protect my bodies. my spiritual body. my physical body. my emotional body. trust this path i have ventured on. darkness and light await. the gifts of my own light are immeasurable. astonishing if i can bare witness to these shifts. my own radiant vibrations support my journey.
here is the latest version of this mantra in song, hope you enjoy it