everywhere you go, there you are

Photo by Sarah Dufresne

A picture I took on my cross country road trip summer 2011…somewhere in New Mexico or Nevada

This summer I have seen so many places and photographs of friends and family that have crossed oceans, laid out in the sun and explored this world.  I always have this idea of what it would be like to go away and when it happens and I go, it’s not how I imagined it at all.  Sometimes I like to think on grandiose terms and imagine all things will fall into place when…..my LIFE will be even more amazing when……oh I will be sooo soo happy when…….but then I realize when I travel to these places, when I achieve my goals, first and foremost I will be there to see it, not someone else.  Secondly, where ever I go, there I will be.

I am not sure if I am explaining it well enough to convey that sometimes I don’t do things or I do them to remind myself that in the next 10 minutes I will still be me.  When I travel to this beautiful city out west, I will be there to see it, not someone else, I will see it, as me.  I feel as though sometimes when I cannot imagine something happening, achieving something great that I have dreamed about for a long time, that when it finally arrives I assume, I tell the story that I am still me.  Where ever I go, there I am, right?

Hmph, not sure why this is so foreign for me to grasp.

I assume that it’s avoidance or fear.  If ‘this girl’ travels there and experiences this, then I wont have to, like I can check out of myself in someway.  If ‘this girl’ attends this interview, workshop, therapy session, she’ll have to rehash the past, she’ll have to do all the crying, messy vulnerability stuff while I sit on the sidelines and stay pretty, cute and all put together, and wait to hear all the lessons and wisdom afterwards.

I understand reality well.  I understand that there are not experiences that are ‘out of body’ that occur, I mean there are of course, but not like this.

I have always had this thought floating around in my head.  I think these things even more so when I see others living there LIFE.  When I see people participating in LIFE and doing things that I cannot imagine.  I wonder what it would be like to be there, to do that, to be that person…….. I find myself saying that ‘I want that experience in my body.’

It has been over the last year that I hear myself say this aloud.  ‘I want that experience in my body.’

When it comes to having experiences, doing the hard work, digging up all the emotions, experiences, truths that I stuff down deep inside, or whether it is something as simple as smelly a flower, I am still me.  Whether it comes to traveling, being vulnerable, afraid, weak, asking for help, being all the these things in LIFE that I strive so hard to avoid being, I am still me.  It is only now, contemplating all of this that I am realizing this habit of thinking this way is a means of avoidance.  It is a means in which to continue to control, to do the work, but only so far, to do the work, but look cute while doing it, to take risks but calculated risks.  To avoid the mess.

What I have to say to that is……bullsh*t.

This habit is a way in which I protect myself from truly exposing myself, from going all the way in and realizing all.  Diving in as deep as I can and even going a little further.  As of late I have been having this battle of sharing parts of my LIFE with the people in my LIFE.  I mean everyday, mom and pop kind of people.  People I see everyday, day in and day out, people I should want to share my LIFE with.  Each time I begin to share a piece of who I am inside there is this rumble, this gurgle of resistance.  Usually anger becomes present, frustration, attitude, you name it, they all show up!  Simultaneously there is this longing in which to share my LIFE, my learnings, my experiences, challenges….all of it, but in some ways I don’t find the situation worthy?  I don’t know where it is coming from, I am sure there are many layers upon which to examine this, and so much more underneath it, but all that I know is that I am here.  I am here NOW.  I am right here in THIS moment and nowhere else.  Funnily enough I am sharing parts of myself that I have been struggling to share.  Parts of myself that I have been avoiding sharing, avoiding blogging, avoiding writing about what’s been going on in my monkey mind.

Isn’t LIFE hilarious.  Who’d of thought my blog would act as therapy for myself in this moment.  Help me to gain the wisdom that I lock up so tightly.  Ha!  Where would I be if I were not me, nowhere….because where ever I am, there I will be.

enjoy this day, laugh at yourself today, we all have to at times, LIFE can be taken too seriously! isn’t it all supposed to be fun?

~screaming gratitude

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