-an email I started to write this evening that ended up being more honest than I expected. once it began to pour out of me, i kept the muse going to see what would result.
here is my letter. i have been wanting to write ‘this’ letter for a while. i thought about it, when it happened, afterwards and even over these recent days. i wish i found more time and patience to sit down and write it out. i figured any way will do. getting it out, washing it away as opposed to hanging on to it any longer. it is not anything that stands out, a moment in my life, but a moment i feel like only you would understand. i feel like the thought wont leave me until i share it with you.
during our last conversation i was struggling with reality. admitting my relationship with fear. i went to bed one night not so long ago and awoke to the sounds of screaming. i felt like i was 13 all over again. i could hear stomping up the stairs with no regard for me or anyone else sleeping (there was only me) and they spoke and yelled and swore with no regard just the same. i didn’t know what day it was. i didn’t know what time it was. i unplugged my cable box a few months back so i have no way of knowing when i wake at night what time it is, i like it that way. as i lay there listening to them, at the same time, trying not to listen i could feel the cells of my body shrieking with anxiety. i feel like i spent a lot of my earlier years as far back as i can remember anxious about my parents and their arguing. wondering what’s the worst that could happen. is it like the movie? is it that scary in my own house? i feel like i never knew what to think. and when i hear people tell the stories talking about their childhood, i always think about what it was like when i grew up. i grew up amongst arguments, anxiety and fear. i literally packed it away deep inside of my body as a child, young adult and teenager…..and here i lay at 32 wishing those same things, wanting the screaming to end, wishing it were over and quiet already.
i know this probably speaks miles for how i am as a person today. the fear and how it has taken root inside of my soul in many ways. that night and into the early morning i did everything i knew how to in order to separate from that heavy angry energy. i recalled times of peace. i remembered why it is that i am so sensitive to energy, so sensitive to life in general. i remembered why it is that my radiance be seen. to heal this body from fear.
this letter is not about how my parents argue. it is not a letter about how my childhood was for me or how I perceived all of it through the eyes of fear. it is a letter about how fear and i have never broken up. how fear is part of my dna and that it feels familiar when i am frightened and terrified. it is also me telling you that at one point in time, for a long period of time, i lived and breathed fear in a debilitating way. i felt fear in my bones, in my cells, in the creases around my eyes. my heart racing was nothing new. that tightness in my throat before tears fill my eyes. the dissolving anger, rage and lack of control that would rise to my lips and then slowly crawl back under and deep inside. i can recognize fear anywhere. in other people, conversations, body language.
this letter isn’t about anger, my parents or my childhood life at all. i want to be clear. i want to own up to this abusive relationship i have had for most if not all of my life. my relationship with fear.
i intended to write this letter about loss but suddenly find myself telling you this. telling you who i really am.
telling you about my relationship with fear. my close intimate relationship.
i often feel like it stirs and rises. i feel like i am hypnotized by fear at times. it has guided me in so many ways.
over the last years, last week, yesterday and in these moments now, my relationship with fear is ever-changing. i finally decided to draw some lines. boundaries. reverse the roles and take the reins versus submitting to fear and letting it lead me. I now lead the fear.
now i seek out fear. i crawl into the darkness and shine a light, ruffle around in the dark until what is inside reveals itself. i seek where the roots of fear have planted themselves and pull them out. i dig and dig until there is total light. if i am not searching and moving towards experiences in life then i let fear win. i let fear hold me down. dark. scared. each time i move towards fear, do something that terrifies me, it allows me to create a new memory, experience a new emotion as if for the first time.
when i can experience life living fulling open then there is no memory of fear. i experience life fully, release and let it flow through my body.
when i experience life chasing after fear i create new memories and release small pieces from my body. i create peace, stillness and ease inside my body.
i heal my body of fear with fear.
i heal my body by shining the light on the dark, discovering who I am through fear.
i have gratitude for fear.
screaming gratitude for fear and all the lessons that it has taught me. how can one live this life and not be grateful? i cannot imagine my life with out it……what you ask……fear or gratitude.
sincerely dear friend
thanks for the late night wake up call mom and dad
beauty felt inside
we are all given what we need, who we need exactly when we need them
the tightly braided strings of emotion that hold us in this LIFE
if you are not doing something each day that frightens you then you really are not living, releasing, participating in life
enjoy this day
Trusting your intuition means tuning in as deeply as you can to the energy you feel, following that energy moment to moment, trusting that it will lead you where you want to go and bring you everything you desire.