unpredictable is the hardest to manage

 

Photo by Sarah Dufresne

sunshine, eyes that sparkle with light, ease and a soft smile

‘unpredictable is the hardest to manage,’ I write in my journal.  Unpredictable? really? As if there is some point in time or some alternate reality that I can predict how things will unfold?  No?  As I reread this statement and the context surrounding it, I smile and laugh to myself a small bit.

I often say that hindsight is a great gift, and yes, I agree, it is a great gift, but it is so humbling that after so many lessons, classes, years of standing in one particular space on this earth, have I only begun to open my eyes to what surrounds me.  It is only through hindsight that I most often learn my lessons.  Yes, there are moments of pause, a heightened awareness of language and breath, but as human as everyone else, I too am within the unknown all the time.

I see no clear boundaries, other than those I create.  I often struggle with confidence and self-worth, even though I find great hope in coaching and holding a space for so many others to develop.  I do my best to manage my energy and see road blocks, feel resistance, watch and learn through my reactions.  I notice how I protect and shield myself from certain experiences and at other times I watch myself dive deep into vulnerability.

I speak a lot in metaphors to explain conceptually the reality in which I view reality, read on….. No matter how many years I am alive on this earth, I know nothing.  No matter how many times I run a race, each time is an experience I have never had before.  No matter how much I have experienced, learned, taught, heard, the knowledge does not come from me, but through me.  I cannot take credit for thousands and thousands of experiences, words, wisdom, theories, research even, I am simply a voice, one singular voice.

unpredictable is all things.  unpredictable is this present moment, even though I am connected, dialed in. Unpredictable is the JOY I will feel ten minutes from now, or the sorrow that will arise in an hour when I call my best friend.  Each moment IS a gift.  The underlying factor that I see in everything is through the eyes of gratitude.

No other experience can I predict except for the experience of gratitude.  I know that after the storm breaks, the clouds part, tears are shed, the sun will come out and I will feel this surge of gratitude for having the strength, will power, whichever you want to call it, to keep on.  To keep on, head up, showing up, dialing in, connecting and reconnecting again and again.  Breath after breath.  When gratitude arrives, I know, I trust that all is enough.

enjoy THIS day

~screaming gratitude

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