to my most dear student, i love you

 

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soften my shoulders. place my left hand inside my right hand. close my eyes. create space in my back body and feel my bones supporting me from the inside out.  open my chest and tune in.  hear the soft, soothing words guiding me into stillness, into serenity.  the woman next to me sneezes, the cars’ honk and swerve outside the studio’s thin walls.  i find myself caught up in the lint strewn across my mat.  i relax. i try to settle back inside.  softening my eyes i find it difficult to keep them closed.  my eye lids are fluttering.  butterflies as if tiptoeing across the petals of a flower, i struggle to still my gaze behind my eyelids.  i deepen my breath and make it more audible to drown out the chatter inside.

inner dialogue: posture, posture, posture. reach your crown. relax your face. fill your belly. let your skin melt down your face. lengthen your neck, float your ears over your shoulders and tuck your chin in slightly.  there. right there. stay there. don’t move.

a student enters into the space. clanking, clumsily, stepping, and distracting me from my ‘centered space.’  i am on my mat, nothing else matters. this is my space. my breath. my awareness.  hell i have spent so much time cultivating silence, stillness, enlightenment, this should be easy.

okay let’s begin again. press down, reach thru, soften my face, quietly close my eyes. roll my shoulders down and back. open my chest, draw my shoulders back toward one another.

now breathe. there you are. begin there. begin now.

first upon entering into myself i smile. i hear my breath. short but present. there is an ease in my posture, a sense of alignment as I float toward the ceiling. with each breath softening into my seat.  i feel my chest open, really open….. and widen. i notice my breath body. i notice the texture of breath. i do not shift or change. i observe. i notice. i feel. i begin to check in with my emotional body. judgement. anger. frustration. a lack of patience. an uneasiness with self. a twinge of fear as i open my chest more. a gaping sense of vulnerability that is bigger than i can imagine surrounding and enveloping me.  i keep myself small in the class room but allow for expansion upon my mat. i am safe in my space. i can control all that occurs on this mat.

moving through my breath body, i connect with my physical and emotional body, where forgiveness begins. i begin to forgive. again and again i begin this practice of accepting my whole self exactly as i am in this moment.
i forgive for the lack of ambition getting out of bed late this morning, skipping my morning meditation. i forgive myself for judgement while picking out what to wear to class today. wanting to look desirable, beautiful, but not-so-put-together.  i forgive myself for holding my breath as i wasted my morning going through my inbox, searching for validation to only succumb to spam mail and eating breakfast in my car. i forgive myself for mistrusting my own power. feeling insecure as i walk down the sidewalk to my car. my eyes darting around during the streets on a dark spring morning. cautious. careful. fearful. always expecting a cloud to be lurking around the corner. the next battle to survive. i forgive myself for being elsewhere during traffic. i forgive myself for judging the woman doing her makeup at the stop light before I made my exit. i forgive myself for the myriad of conversations i had with myself in my head today about how i want people to see me, how i show up, the facade, not comfortable in my own skin. i forgive myself.

lastly. as i bring my attention back through my layers of being, i take a deep breath in and hold it.  i swallow and slowly begin to exhale and soften as deeply as I can into my own body. i forgive every part of me. i not only forgive. i accept.

slowly i move onto my hands and knees and explore the edges of my mat. cat and cow variations keep me centered and attentive as the class begins.

yoga allows me the time to dive in deep and to accept every inch of myself.

to my most dear student, me, i love you

enjoy THIS day
~screaming gratitude

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