anxiety was the beginning


this mornings tea-cup is filled to the brim.  i carry the swirling steam covered cup outside onto my back porch. i sit and watch the sunrise. cool, damp and dewy morning. birds within their trees, singing and calling out.

what gifts will this day bring?

what will i learn? what will be shown to me?

everything is quiet and still.

in my memory today I trace back 11 years.  I feel compelled to reflect on what my idea of a great day was then to what it has become today.  below is an excerpt from my second book…..unpublished.  it tracks my day-to-day journey through anxiety and panic disorder in my early 20s.  i received treatment through a cognitive behavioral program in Boston… saved my life.  here i am reflecting on the part inside of my panic and anxiety when i wish it was over already, it’s all consuming arms of anxiety that had completely taken over my life.

“early spring 2003…..I cannot wait until I am out from under this.  every part of me is waiting in this void; caught in between. my anxiety is everywhere, under my nails; it’s why my lips are chapped, or why my hands are dry and reek of marlboro’s. i want this to be over. i cannot wait to see who i am under this. i want to be happy. i know i am going to need to learn how to deal with my emotions. i know i am going to have to learn to manage stress. i want to put every ounce of courage i have into this and full proof it. if i, or someone near me, has a bad day i need to not manipulate their stress and make it my own. i need to learn to separate myself and the stress in my life. i cannot wait to be able to go away, to go out or eat dinner. i hope to share experiences with people close to me that don’t have anything to do with food or anxiety. i cannot wait for the day where i can say ‘remember when.’ i want to be able to reflect and take strength from it; to be comfortable in every situation. i am ready to live an infectious-free life; to live untainted by this anxiety. i do want to cure myself of this. most importantly i want to step above my anxiety. to learn to control my anxiety, control my life, stress and my mind. i want to suitcase the anxiety, teach and drain as much intellectual spirit from it. i want to help other people. i want my anxiety to make me stronger. i do not want to relinquish myself to this. i came. i saw. i was depressed for a long time. i starved my body, spirit and mind……I CONQUERED.”

here i sit today, outside sipping my morning tea and reflecting back, hearing myself say aloud, ‘remember when.’  i gave everything i had to heal myself during that time of my LIFE. even now i give every thing i have to heal myself. within my struggle with anxiety i sought out help, i knew something was wrong and it was not the LIFE i was meant to live. i researched and found a way to live a LIFE with ease, peace and compassion.

i feel honored and so very proud of the woman i was in my 20s. some days i wonder where i pulled that courage from, or if in some way knew that much more was destined for me.

so know, when i sit enamored by the sunrise and the sunset, and by the gifts within each moment that i sit excited to receive, know that there was a time that i knew nothing of the gifts the universe would offer me, but trusted i must seek them out.

enjoy THIS day, enjoy the present and the past

~screaming gratitude


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