that’s me, hiding behind the curtain


tears. so many tears.

this morning i lay upon my mat.  i settle into my body, move and sway.  noticing a rhythm, a need to meet.

explore vulnerability. i watch it rise and fall. i feel the tinge in my throat, the awkward moments.  i hear the chatter, ‘not good enough, too much, too little, not this, not that.” i want so badly to remove all the boundaries i feel separates me from you.

i know deep down in my bones i shudder. i fear being really seen.  exquisite, bold, brave and divine.  human and real like you.  i know that i play down my own beauty and broadcast my flaws.

i talk often to my inner child, calm her, soothe her and snuggle with her; LOVE her. i cradle her, set her free and forgive every time she hid behind a parent, doorway or curtain. i forgive every time she hid her smile, her JOY away from the world.

at the end of a day when you can’t remember if you took a breath or washed your hair. your arms and legs are sore but you are not sure why. standing in your truth?  holding out your arms to offer support? sometimes all the moments blend together. sometimes something amazing comes on the radio or television and you have no pen, paper or friend to be your extra ear.  you have no choice but to drink it all in, soak it all up, be as present as you ever can be….and LISTEN. listen with your whole self, your whole being, your whole entire self.  you laugh, you cry, you aren’t sure why, but you let it all flow out of you. you let the words, the gulps for air happen. you wipe the tears and you feel a soft calm settling inside of you. nothing that worried you is present now. nothing that crinkled your brow even matters anymore. nothing can be taken with you that you carry, only love can transcend. only LOVE can transcend. you realize that all of this IS love….all of this straying to and from who I am, and am not IS love.  it is the coming back to myself, allowing it to pour out of my eyes, allowing it to speak through my voice, that realization is coming out from behind the curtain and allowing myself to be seen.

tonight’s fortune cookie…..”to be able to look back upon one’s past life with satisfaction is to live twice.” has this all been done before. have i explored these ideas, why do i inquire so strongly? gratitude is what fills me up…gratitude is what has awakened me and what has brought me back.

what if it’s only you.  what if it’s always been you. the universe is waiting for you to see it, to see how beautiful, how perfectly imperfect you are.

look into the light and you will see…..YOU. you will see your own reflection. the universe is dying for you to look, to peak to cheat and look into the bright light.

there inside the warmth of the radiant light, inside the core of everything that matters, everyone that has ever loved you, will love you and offers you their healing grace wants you to look inside. they will follow you.

they will want to be next to you.

trust that they want to be led by you.

enjoy the sweet stretch this morning. arching and opening cat stretch.

enjoy THIS day

~screaming gratitude



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