okay so here it goes.
no makeup for 30 days.
this isn’t planned, starting on the 1st of a month, not even on a monday……..this is barely even thought out, but it is happening.
i have been tossing this idea around for over a year; the idea of outward appearances. makeup allows me to appear a certain way, only a representation of myself! not only makeup, but clothes, glasses, you name it, all work to hide behind and create an identity i want the world to see. there are so many layers as to why i feel like these 30 days need to happen that i can’t NOT do this practice.
1. chemicals, first and foremost. i have struggled to find great brands that are clean and are great for my skin and body….
2. the facade! isn’t wearing makeup like putting on a mask? why do i have to wear concealer? why can’t i look tired, if in fact I AM tired?
3. the selfie……oh need i say more. i’m not doing one of these ‘take a picture of my clean, clear and beautiful face without make-up’ each day to get my ‘selfie’ out there…..no way no how. this is a practice for ME and an inquiry into why this unnerves me so much. today alone i was thinking, why not start today, why even reach for the blush…..why can’t i start right now? and there it was, the pitter patter of judgement, monkey mind, looks, stares, even the glaring eye greeting i began to imagine in my mind from my peers. getting greeted in the morning with, ‘you look tired, are you feeling okay?’ one-liner! blah. the nerves, i felt, told me that i need to revisit this and really dig deep this time.
4. photo shoot….wanna have one? fun right? ……ehh sometimes. i have this relationship with pictures. i am not a fan of how i photograph. i literally belt out, or internally scream rather, the most hateful criticism about myself in pictures. i decided to change this and signed up for a few photo shoots. of course ‘photo shoot’ is a fun way to look pretty, wear nice clothes and you know, get some celebrity?!?! but really at the end of the day i was trying to change the conversation that was happening both inside and outside when i saw myself in these photos. needless to say, that work didn’t dig deep enough. i was unsure, then it dawned on me why……..i had a makeup artist and the pictures were minimal in the end.
5. the profile pic!……..at this point in the summer, in the day even, i am a bit over social media, emails and cell phones. if it were not for connecting with friends because no one in the world has a landline anymore, as well as marketing for the big universe we live in, i’d tell them all to take a hike…..temporarily i’m sure. i went to a wedding a week ago and my family posted some pic’s from that event. i received all kinds of gushing about the picture of myself and my family. immediately i was elated and enamored by the ‘likes’ and the attention, to be honest. i quickly began to figure out how fast i could swap my profile pic to this new beauty-filled one that everyone ‘LIKED’ vs the old-news picture of myself. i sat in the thrill of a new profile pic idea for……oh i don’t know….15 seconds. then it dawned on me. how much make-up i was wearing first and foremost, and did any of this social media applause really matter in the en? If i was serious about this self-work, about getting comfortable, no wait, getting CONFIDENT!, then why was i swapping my beauty shots from what i felt was a stale version of myself? (listen to that language ha!)
6. the rumbling in my belly. last but not least. the simple fear of not wearing a mask. going out into the world exactly as i am. i taught in my yoga class tonight about how being present is SO important. to ACCEPT yourself is SO important. here i sit, swapping profile pictures. in one breath, ‘you are perfect, embrace yourself as you are, you have everything you need,’ and yet, i get all ruffled and muffled when i see myself in a pic.
join me. cheer me on. tell me i look tired, but beautiful too. or not. who knows what this will allow to rise to the surface, but i am game. let’s clean house!
here it goes….
if anyone can find gratitude in this exposing, baring all, face forward action….i think this girl can!
enjoy THIS day
~screaming gratitude….clean face and all 😉
p.s. i’m kind of excited re-reading this! hmm…