oh no here we go again

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eeek. the first step is to take the time to create space from that which you are tempted by.

okay so here it goes.

no makeup for 30 days.

this isn’t planned, starting on the 1st of a month, not even on a monday……..this is barely even thought out, but it is happening.

i have been tossing this idea around for over a year; the idea of outward appearances. makeup allows me to appear a certain way, only a representation of myself! not only makeup, but clothes, glasses, you name it, all work to hide behind and create an identity i want the world to see. there are so many layers as to why i feel like these 30 days need to happen that i can’t NOT do this practice.

1. chemicals, first and foremost. i have struggled to find great brands that are clean and are great for my skin and body….

2. the facade! isn’t wearing makeup like putting on a mask? why do i have to wear concealer? why can’t i look tired, if in fact I AM tired?

3. the selfie……oh need i say more. i’m not doing one of these ‘take a picture of my clean, clear and beautiful face without make-up’ each day to get my ‘selfie’ out there…..no way no how. this is a practice for ME and an inquiry into why this unnerves me so much. today alone i was thinking, why not start today, why even reach for the blush…..why can’t i start right now?  and there it was, the pitter patter of judgement, monkey mind, looks, stares, even the glaring eye greeting i began to imagine in my mind from my peers. getting greeted in the morning with, ‘you look tired, are you feeling okay?’ one-liner! blah. the nerves, i felt, told me that i need to revisit this and really dig deep this time.

4. photo shoot….wanna have one? fun right? ……ehh sometimes. i have this relationship with pictures. i am not a fan of how i photograph. i literally belt out, or internally scream rather, the most hateful criticism about myself in pictures. i decided to change this and signed up for a few photo shoots.  of course ‘photo shoot’ is a fun way to look pretty, wear nice clothes and you know, get some celebrity?!?! but really at the end of the day i was trying to change the conversation that was happening both inside and outside when i saw myself in these photos. needless to say, that work didn’t dig deep enough.  i was unsure, then it dawned on me why……..i had a makeup artist and the pictures were minimal in the end.

5. the profile pic!……..at this point in the summer, in the day even, i am a bit over social media, emails and cell phones. if it were not for connecting with friends because no one in the world has a landline anymore, as well as marketing for the big universe we live in, i’d tell them all to take a hike…..temporarily i’m sure. i went to a wedding a week ago and my family posted some pic’s from that event. i received all kinds of gushing about the picture of myself and my family. immediately i was elated and enamored by the ‘likes’ and the attention, to be honest. i quickly began to figure out how fast i could swap my profile pic to this new beauty-filled one that everyone ‘LIKED’ vs the old-news picture of myself.  i sat in the thrill of a new profile pic idea for……oh i don’t know….15 seconds. then it dawned on me. how much make-up i was wearing first and foremost, and did any of this social media applause really matter in the en? If i was serious about this self-work, about getting comfortable, no wait, getting CONFIDENT!, then why was i swapping my beauty shots from what i felt was a stale version of myself? (listen to that language ha!)

6. the rumbling in my belly. last but not least. the simple fear of not wearing a mask. going out into the world exactly as i am. i taught in my yoga class tonight about how being present is SO important.  to ACCEPT yourself is SO important. here i sit, swapping profile pictures. in one breath, ‘you are perfect, embrace yourself as you are, you have everything you need,’ and yet, i get all ruffled and muffled when i see myself in a pic.

join me. cheer me on. tell me i look tired, but beautiful too. or not. who knows what this will allow to rise to the surface, but i am game. let’s clean house!

here it goes….

if anyone can find gratitude in this exposing, baring all, face forward action….i think this girl can!

enjoy THIS day

~screaming gratitude….clean face and all 😉

 

p.s. i’m kind of excited re-reading this! hmm…

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