take me with you….but I am always with you

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in recent months, in what feels like years even, i have been riding the waves of grief. grief in every sense of the word, physical loss, close loved ones and friends.  there has also been emotional loss, a transition into healing, therefore a loss of old habits, old patterns and what used to define me. i have looked to all resources for support, meditations, support groups, books, even retreats that focus on grief, but have found nothing that offers more than a few moments of comfort.

in the midst of the difficult waves that i ride, i ask myself, maybe these moments are all we get.  perhaps it is the moments that then turn into hours, days, years even and the time passes and some how, someway i am able to fill up my lungs deeply, feel the expansion of my own chest once again and settle deeper into myself for having shared in this life with someone worthy of all this.  i am not sure, but i push on.

as i stumble to find ways to meet these new needs of grief i ask what it is that would most serve me? company, a friendly lunch date or someone to lean against while riding the train. a go-to practice that soothes, settles, lulls me to sleep even.  a message board that doesn’t cost to be a part of, offerings of fresh perspective and not the traditional ‘sorry for your loss’ punch lines.

i imagine the people alongside of me often as a way to share my life with them.  reminding me to stray from negative thought, to change the mellow tunes to something more invigorating.  to give me belly aches from laughing, to offer comfort with prayers and to simply be present for whatever was unfolding.  i realized in this practice of self-care that the mind knows no difference.  that if those i love, here and far from here, WERE with me always, and not imaginary, that could help heal my loss.  what if i carry them with me where ever i go, helping me to cope with grief, with success, all of life’s rides.  what a true gift.  that is what would most serve me.

it’s like taking all the support, all the kind words, gestures, offerings i have ever received and used them as a cushion of self-compassion during this ride.

maybe not in the physical realm i know so clearly, but on this other level, my loved ones are able to be with me at all times. i now try to live my life this way, as if i can bottle them up and take them anywhere.  hear their whispers to open, soften and to forgive moment to moment.  the mind does not know the difference from what we tell it and what it experiences.

what tremendous healing has risen already from this notion. i think i may have created the exact support i was seeking

enjoy this day

~screaming gratitude

 

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