take me with you….but I am always with you

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in recent months, or what feels like years even, i have been riding the waves of grief. grief in every sense of the word. a physical loss of close loved ones and friends. emotional loss, a sort of forced transition into healing. a loss of old habits, old patterns and what used to define me. i have looked to all resources for support, meditations, support groups, books, even retreats that focus on grief, but have found nothing that offers more than a few moments of comfort.

in the midst of the difficult waves that i ride as of late, i ask myself, maybe these moments are all we get.  perhaps it is theses moments that turn into hours, days, years even, and the time passes and some how, someway, i am able to fill up my lungs again. breathing in deeply now i feel the expansion of my own chest once again and settle more into myself for having shared in this life with someone worthy of all this.  i am not sure at all, but i push on.

as i stumble to find ways to meet these new needs of grief, i ask, ‘what would most serve me?’ company, a friendly lunch date or someone to lean against while riding the train? a go-to practice that soothes, settles, lulls me to sleep even? a message board that doesn’t cost to be a part of, offerings of fresh perspective apart from the traditional ‘sorry for your loss’ punch lines?

many times i imagine my loved ones alongside of me, as a way to share my life with them even though they are gone physically. their presence helps to remind me to stray from negative thought, to change the mellow tunes to something more invigorating, to give me belly aches from laughing, offer comfort with prayers and simply to be present for whatever is unfolding.  i realized in this practice of self-care that the mind knows no difference.  that if those i love, here and far from here, WERE with me always, and not imagined, that it could help heal my loss.  what if i carry them with me where ever i go, helping me to cope with grief, with success, all of life’s rides? what a true gift. that IS, i think, what would most serve me today.

if i were to take all the support, all the kind words, gestures, offerings i have ever received and used them as a cushion of self-compassion during this ride. what a ride it has already been.

maybe not in the physical realm i know so clearly, but on this other level, my loved ones are able to be with me at all times.

i now try to live my life this way, as if i can bottle them up and take them anywhere.  hear their whispers to open, soften and to forgive moment to moment.  the mind does not know the difference from what we tell it and what it experiences.

what tremendous healing has risen already from this notion. i think i may have created the exact support i was seeking.

enjoy this day

~screaming gratitude


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